A walk down memory lane oder: Meine Krankheitsgeschichte

Angeblich soll es ja Menschen geben, die nur ein einziges Mal in ihrem Leben an einer depressiven Episode erkranken, genesen – und ab dann souverän die dunklen Löcher dieser Krankheit umschiffen. Und dann gibt es Menschen wie mich, die mit Rückblick auf ihr Leben irgendwie schon immer einen Hang zu depressiver Stimmung hatten. Die Episode nach Episode erleben und bei denen alles irgendwie ineinander wabert – Krankheit, Gesundheit, Leben – und die mit dem Gefühl durch die Welt laufen, dass irgendwas irgendwann mal aus dem Lot gekommen sein muss und seitdem schief hängt.

Ich war ein ängstliches, unsicheres Kind, dann ein ängstlicher, unsicherer Teenager und wurde schließlich eine depressive Erwachsene. Pünktlich mit 18 wurde aus dem Weltschmerz und den Zweifeln, die mich in meiner Jugend begleiteten, eine Dunkelheit, die man nun wirklich nicht mehr mit der Pubertät verharmlosen konnte. Ich kam nicht aus dem Bett, schleppte mich durch den Schultag und brach noch direkt am Mittagstisch in Tränen aus.

Wenn ich mich heute an diese Zeit erinnere, sehe ich über Monate nur Kälte und Dunkelheit und darüber hängend dieses tiefe Unwohlsein, das mich damals begleitete.

Irgendwann ging es dann doch wieder bergauf. Mir wurde eine „Winterdepression“ diagnostiziert, ich bekam Johanniskraut, machte Abitur, es ging mir besser – wenn es auch lange nicht mehr so richtig gut. Die nächsten Jahre waren ein Auf und Ab, ein Knäuel aus Studium und depressiven Phasen, von denen ich heute nicht sagen kann, wann sie begannen und wann endeten. Morgens neben einem Haufen vollgeweinter Taschentücher aufzuwachen war die Normalität in meinen 20ern. Immerhin sporadisch suchte ich nach Hilfe. Machte eine Therapie, nahm Medikamente – aber so wirklich eingestehen, dass ich krank war, konnte ich mir nicht. Ich verheimlichte die Depression, litt im Stillen und fühlte mich unzulänglich, da doch alle anderen alles so vermeintlich viel besser hinbekamen. Diese Phase im Leben, die man sich eigentlich so schön und frei vorstellt, voller Partys, Leichtigkeit und Lebenslust, sie war für mich vor allem die Abwesenheit dieser Freiheiten. Das latente Gefühl, dass das so nicht stimmen konnte, war mein Lebensgefühl.

Ja, es gab auch bessere Zeiten. Als ich meinen damaligen Freund (heute Ehemann) kennenlernte zum Beispiel. Ich fing an, mehr zu unternehmen, alles wurde leichter – und zeitgleich war damit auch die Zeit, in der ich alles nur mit mir allein ausmachte, zu Ende. Einen so großen Teil des Selbst vor einer nahestehenden Person komplett zu verstecken, war mir schlichtweg unmöglich. Zum ersten Mal sah jemand von außen wie es mir wirklich ging – und gab mir stetig die Rückmeldung, dass das so nicht normal, harmlos oder meine Schuld sei. Trotzdem hielt ich weiterhin daran fest, mich nur mehr anstrengen zu müssen, biss mich durchs Studium und schloss es erfolgreich ab.

Nur um dann direkt im Anschluss in das bisher tiefste Loch zu versinken. Dass ich mir nun wirklich ernsthafter Hilfe suchen musste, stand damit gar nicht mehr zu Debatte, denn mir blieb eigentlich keine Wahl mehr. Ich ging das erste Mal in eine Tagesklinik, machte eine Therapie, begann meinen ersten Job. Zumindest von außen betrachtet kam ich also wieder auf die Beine – innerlich hatte sich jedoch recht wenig getan. Ich verfiel weiterhin dem Irrglauben, mich nur noch mehr zusammenreißen zu müssen, wandelte mit dem Gefühl, eh nicht gut genug zu sein durch die Welt und konnte dem nur mit Perfektionismus und einem wahnsinnigen Leistungsstreben begegnen, was insgesamt ein so wackeliges Konstrukt war, dass der Zusammenbruch des ganzen eigentlich schon von Beginn an abzusehen war.

Es folgte der zweite Aufenthalt in einer Tagesklinik, ein Jahr später der dritte. Mittlerweile war ich allerdings so schwer krank, dass auch das nicht mehr reichte und ich nach sieben Wochen direkt stationär aufgenommen wurde: Akutstation, dann 18 Wochen Therapie auf einer tiefenpsychologisch ausgerichteten Station für depressive Menschen. Heilung verläuft eben nicht über den Expressweg, vielmehr tuckert man gemächlich über Feldwege und muss sich von Gedanken wie „in sechs Wochen gehe ich aber fit wieder arbeiten“ oder „ich muss doch aber zurück in den Alltag, ich muss!“ freimachen. Ja, die Zeit war lang – aber das war auch meine Krankheitsphase vorher. Eine Krankheit, die man seit 15 Jahren eher halbherzig behandeln ließ, verschwindet meistens nicht mehr von allein und schon gar nicht über Nacht. Gemessen damit waren die Monate in der Klinik eigentlich immer noch ein rasantes Tempo, denn belohnt wurde ich mit der stabilsten Phase seit… ich kann mich kaum erinnern, so lange muss es her sein. Ich erlebe noch immer Auf und Abs und es gab auch seit der Entlassung ein paar dunkle Zeiten. Aber selbst die sind kein Vergleich zu dem Dunkel, in dem ich vorher lebte. In dem düsteren Nebel, aus dem ich über Monate keinen Ausweg fand, habe ich mich nun seit bald eineinhalb Jahren nicht mehr verirrt und das ist für mich ein Erfolg, den man schon mindestens mit Events wie der ersten Mondlandung vergleichen muss, um zu verstehen, wie wahnsinnig groß das eigentlich ist.

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